you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
