I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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