On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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