Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
