You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
