I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
