Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
