last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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