The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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