party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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