guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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