theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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