Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
