I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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