that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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