why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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