it's too hot outside to masturbate.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
