I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
