You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
