i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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