no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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