I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
