Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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