I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
