proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
