just come out here and I will go home with you...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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