I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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