Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Maybe he injected his testicle?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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