Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
