I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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