if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
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