So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
