when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
