just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
