So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The best revenge is premature balding
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
