So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
