he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
