be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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