My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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