I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
