My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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