Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he laminated a picture of his dick.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
