my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I can't put those talents on a resume
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
