Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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