why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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