im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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