So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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