Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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