I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
