Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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