There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
