im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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